Is It Too Late?

“I was terrified and humiliated.  I was lost and couldn’t even muster up the courage to call anyone and ask a question about placing my baby for adoption.”

Amanda here. I wanted to share Casey’s story, because she is my definition of a strong, brave woman. She is the reason I do the job I do, and why I am passionate about adoption. 

Casey goes on to say, “I wanted to know if it was too late to make a plan for adoption. I saw an ad for the Adoption Support Center. I didn’t realize it was an adoption agency. I just thought I could text and ask a few questions.  I was so embarrassed to be 39 weeks pregnant. I gave my boyfriend way too long to prove that he was going to step up.  The contractions had started and I was in a panic. 

I actually started texting Amanda from the labor room. She made me feel confident that I could say what I needed to say. I realized I needed that adoption agency and I needed them to take care of everything. Amanda helped me realize that this was my baby and I could do this for him!”

 After Casey delivered her son, I had the opportunity to meet her and her son at the hospital. I had the joy of putting my arms around her and validating her thoughts and fears. Casey told me she wanted to continue making an adoption plan, and she narrowed her choice to two potential families from profiles I had brought to show her.

As I watched, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed by emotion.

I knew those families on those profiles. I knew how much they wanted to become parents through adoption. I knew the elation that would be coming when I made the call that would change their lives forever.

Yet I also knew as I watched that strong young woman cradling her son while reading those profiles that unspeakable sadness would be coming too. As I watched her tears fall onto the little pink and blue hat, I gave her every opportunity to say “I can’t do this. I’m taking my son home.” 

Then the miracle happened.

The miracle that I have been privileged to see hundreds of time. Through the tears, the mamma uber strength kicked in, and Casey made her choice. Choosing her favorite of the two families, she said, “I know this is right for my baby. Please call them. I want to meet them, and I want them to get to know their son.”

I stepped out into the hall to make the joy-filled call. “I am at the hospital,” I said. “A brave woman has delivered a baby and chosen you to adopt him. Come on over to the hospital to meet your son and his extraordinary birth mama.”

This is the miracle of adoption.

Not every adoption story starts in the hospital, like Casey’s does. Some start months before. Some start in the months after delivery.

But every single adoption story begins with a woman knowing she wants to give her child more than she can at that time. Every single adoption story is a story of strength and sacrifice. The privilege of being a part of an adoption story stays with me. 

So here is to the Caseys of the world. May their strength and courage continue to burn bright.  


When we look at Isaiah, we know.

I remember the day I received that call from Leah.  At the time, 3 potential expectant moms had chosen us as their first pick.  Leah scrolled through their names…one women was due in July…one in September…and then the last women… December.  At that moment, I remember thinking… it’s going to be December.  Sure enough, the first two brave women chose to parent their children.  

Once October rolled around, we finally had the opportunity to meet with the expectant mom that was due in December.  

Immediately after leaving our first meeting, we locked in.  There was something special about this woman.  She spoke of this child, as if he was already ours. I remember her saying, “this is your child, I’m just carrying him.”  I knew that our expectant mom could change her mind at any time, but for some reason we felt this calm come over us.  We grew to love this woman and we knew that no matter what she would choose, we would support her.  She was going to give this precious child life and we knew that whatever was to happen was already written in God’s plan.  We know all stories are different, but it’s amazing that after all10 years of marriage, of our fertility struggles, the pain and grief of watching others enter parenthood, and anxiousness, upon entering adoption, this was ourtime.  

Our son was brought into this world on December 8th, exactly one day after his due date. 

Jason and I got to be in the delivery room.  As soon as he was born, the nurses rushed him to the nursery.  The plan was for me to go be with him, but I wanted to remain by her side.  After a few minutes, she looked at me and encouraged me to go to the nursery to be with my new family.  She is the strongest woman I have ever met.

After signing, we had the privilege of taking our birth mom back to her home, while our son stayed in the nursery.  

I remember hugging her and looking into her eyes with so much thankfulness and gratitude for this precious gift.  Our son is over 9 weeks old now and HE IS PERFECT.  God made him to fit perfectly in our arms.  

I send texts and emails to our birth mom on a weekly basis, just because I miss getting to visit with her.  

I find myself wanting to know how her week is going, how her kids are getting along with school, and that she is happy.  At this time, we aren’t exactly sure how much contact she will continue to have, but we will always be open to whatever makes her comfortable.  She was there at the beginning and whether she is here physically or not, she will forever be on our minds, and in our hearts.

After a few weeks of being home, I was listening to an online sermon.  

Pastor Brian spoke about Zechariah and Elizabeth.  They longed for a child, probably much longer than me and Jason!  An angel appeared before Zechariah and told him that their prayers had been heard by God. God was fulfilling His promises. God had fulfilled their personal desire to have a child, but even greater than theirdesire, was God’s desire…His eternal plan for their son, who would become John the Baptist.  God fulfilled our want for a child too, but even more importantly is that there is an amazing story and journey ahead for our son, Isaiah.  We look back and laugh… why, after all the challenges we’ve faced?  WHY IS THIS THE PERFECT TIME?! 

When we look at Isaiah, we know. And if you saw our son, you would know too… 


Ryan & Megan’s Pre and Post Adoption Refection…

“What a whirlwind last year was at this time…. our basement had water from the massive amount of rain and we were dealing with all the emotions/feelings/thoughts as we knew our Birthmom was close to her due date. If you’ve ever been through an adoption, you understand the uncertainty of it all.

I remember clearly believing with all my heart that no matter what the outcome (whether she chose to parent the child or if she chose to move forward with the adoption), God placed us in her life for a reason.  And because of that, we wanted to love, support and pray for her the best that we could.  We definitely went on an emotional rollercoaster ride the few days that followed his birth. But the time we were able to spend with his birthmom was priceless. We were able to connect with her on such a deep level.

The first night we were at the hospital, she was was only allowed one person in her room and she chose me.  So we spent almost the whole night talking heart to heart… about her hopes, dreams and fears about adoption and about life. I was able to reassure her that we were going to love her and support whatever decision she ended up making. It was a powerful time and I know without a doubt it was God ordained. 

Throughout this last year we have been able to continue a relationship with her and it has been so beautiful. She is such an incredible, strong woman with so much love to give. So not only do we celebrate Kendell today, but we honor her as well! 

Both of our birthmom’s are two of the most selfless women we know. We love them dearly and are so grateful for the precious gifts of life they have given us. 

Kendell – you brought so much joy to our lives. You make us laugh on a daily basis. You are sweet and have been such a happy baby. We thank God often for choosing you to be in our family. We pray you come to know Jesus at an early age and that you love and serve him all the days of your life!

We are so proud to be your mommy and daddy and we love you!!”


It’s February

A month known to celebrate love, women’s heart health, chocolate, canned food, pies, dental health, and spay and neuter awareness.

In fact, one website, Holiday Insights, lists twelve special awareness campaigns celebrated in this one short month. (www.holidayinsights.com).

Probably the most important on this list is the official designation of Black History Month.

February gives us the ability to celebrate Black History Month.

There are special activities designated at sites throughout the state. The website Visit Indy (www.visitindy.com) suggests a tour of Indiana Avenue and the Madame Walker Theater Center or a visit to the Crispus Attacks Museum.

Visit Fort Wayne (www.visitfortwayne.com) offers the African/African-American Historical Society or Allen County Public Library as great places commemorate this part of our history.  

Live in South Bend? On February 23, 2019 there is a musical celebration of the African diaspora at the IUSB Civil Rights Heritage Center at 3:00 in the afternoon.  

For our southern Indiana families, Bloomington offers a fully packed schedule of activities that can be found at    https://bloomington.in.gov/sites/default/files/2019-01/2019%20BHM%20Calendar_draft

Is there a better way to honor and celebrate Black History month?

What about having conversations about race?

Looking at historical figures who have made significant societal contributions is important, but hundreds of thousands of people live their lives without the rest of us knowing about them.

What is their experience of living day to day? What does a person of a different race or ethnicity think about you? How do you define racism? Do you see examples of segregation around you? How will you raise your children to embrace their own culture and celebrate the cultures of others? 

How will you be celebrating Black History Month?


Love Makes the World Go Around…

(and how to help keep it spinning) 

Valentine’s Day is rapidly approaching!

Have you bought a card for your sweetie? Found a babysitter and made your dinner reservations yet? Bought the roses and candy? Remembered to send your child’s birth mom a card and warm greetings? (Hey, this is an adoption related blog! Of course, we were going to slip that in there!) 

While there are multiple explanations of how the holiday started, including at least three different saints martyred on February 14, it has been linked to romance since Medieval England when Chaucer wrote the Canterbury Tales. Over time, celebrating this holiday has morphed into sharing love with anyone significant in our lives, not only romantic partners. 

According to a February 5, 2019 article on the website retailcustomerexperience.com, “Consumers are projected to spend more than ever on Valentine’s Day yet fewer will be celebrating the annual February love event.” This same website projects Americans will spend $20.7 billion on Valentine’s spending this year, or an average of $196.61 per person on this holiday. 

On the other hand, showing love does not have to involve spending money.

Homemade Valentine’s Cards are another tradition that dates back at least a couple hundred years! With today’s technology, it’s even easier to snap a photo, decorate it, and send it on to someone needing a smile. 

Which brings us back to sharing the love with birth families.

It’s not too late to send something through ASC, if that’s how you normally communicate. It’s definitely not too late to send something directly, if that’s how you normally communicate. 

Not yet matched or directly involved in an adoption?

There are still ways to spread a little love. Volunteer at your local pregnancy care center, donate to a women’s shelter, or get involved with any cause that is close to your heart. After all, the world could always use a little more kindness. 

So whether you spend the holiday as a romantic extravaganza or a cozy time with family remember that ten different song writers who claim “love makes the world go ‘round” can’t be wrong. We all need to do our part to keep that world spinning.


All You Need Is… Empathy?

(Also known as Empathy Makes the World Go ‘Round?)

Why is it that there are no great songs written about empathy?

Love may make you go weak in the knees, but empathy builds connections and helps you through the rough spots.

Empathy is the ability to relate to another person in the midst of their pain.

If you’ve ever had any experience with adoption—as an adoptee, a birth parent, an adoptive parent, or professional, empathy is a foundation on which to build the rest of the relationships.

While an expectant or birth parent may not understand the pain of infertility, they can understand the sadness that this brings to the adopting family. While an adoptive parent may not fully understand the circumstances in an expectant mother’s life that lead her to consider making an adoption plan, they can listen and relate to the pain of the difficulty. Neither the birth parents or adoptive parents may fully understand the feelings the adopted child has regarding their identity, but being able to offer empathy connects both sets of parents to the child.

Empathy is understanding and showing concern for other.

It helps build bridges and resolves conflicts. To be empathetic involves being present and limiting distractions. 

Empathy may not make it to hit song status, but it will definitely keep adoption relationships on a healthy track. 

Noted author and speaker Brene Brown explains empathy in this charming video. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw


Roots and Wings

There is a frequently quoted inspirational saying which asserts the two greatest gifts we can give our children are roots and wings. This has been interpreted to mean as parents we provide the foundation for our children so that they can develop into their own personalities and be able to chase their own dreams.

When our children are young, we make all their decisions for them.

What they wear, what they eat, where they sleep, their schedule…all of these things are determined by parents. After all, babies don’t choose their own onesies! As they grow, they begin to make their own choices. Sometimes we agree with these choices, sometimes we don’t. Have you ever seen a pre-schooler who has dressed herself in her favorite outfit?

Adoption adds another layer to all of this.

Adoptees have roots with both their birth AND adoptive families. Both sets of parents contribute to the person that the child becomes.

But what about wings?

What happens when all the days and years of love and choices and decisions made are done and the child—who had no voice or choice in the adoption to begin with—is now an adult?

When the adoptee becomes an adult, the decision for contact with birth families and adoptive families becomes their own. The person who was adopted at birth or during their childhood now can say if they want to meet their birth families or not. They can continue to develop adult relationships with the parents who raised them, or they can become distant from them. They can embrace the circumstances of their lives, or they may choose to reinvent themselves and have little to do with either birth or adoptive families.

These newfound wings can be stressful for both sets of parents.

Will the adoptee want to meet the birth family? Some birth parents want to meet; some birth parents do not want to meet. Will the adoptive parents welcome the birth parents in their adult child’s life? Or will this be stressful and unwelcome to the adoptive parents?

Many of the answers to these questions depend on how the adoptive family tended to the roots.

Did they water the seeds of love planted by the birth family? Did they provide opportunity for discussions about identity and adoption? Did they speak of the birth family with gratitude, kindness and respect?  

Some adult adoptees use their wings and fly toward their birth families. Others fly in a different direction. Yet the flight does not have to be between the two families who gave the adoptee roots; the adoptee can fly along side both. 


Grief and Anger

Most people recognize sadness as a part of grief.

If you see someone crying, it’s easy to make the assumption that something is wrong. Tears and sadness are a combination that everyone seems to understand. 

Anger is also a part of grief.

It’s that little understood part, because let’s face it. No one likes to be around an angry person. It’s like standing next to a can of pop that has exploded. It’s unpredictable. You don’t know where the pop will spray or what kind of mess it will cause.

Anger is one of those things that build.

One little thing after another adds to the emotions that are stirring inside, and it only takes one thing to cause an explosion. 

So what can be done to prevent an anger explosion? 

First, know that being angry is perfectly ok.

Own your feeling! Anger is just an emotion. A powerful one, sure. But so is joy.

After a loss, it is quite natural to feel anger. A word of caution, though. If expressing your anger causes you to hurt yourself or someone else, you may need to do some damage repair. Apologize for the action, but don’t apologize for the emotion. If you apologize for the emotion, you may find yourself caught in a cycle of rising anger that has nowhere else to go.  

Second, recognize anger for what it is.

As we tell toddlers, “use your words”! Recognizing and naming anger takes away some of the unpredictability associated with how anger is expressed. Mark Twain famously said “When angry count four; when very angry swear.” This is really good advice! Swearing gives voice to the anger and is a way to express it without it building up inside to a greater level.

Third, know that anger doesn’t last forever.

Remember that other old saying, “what comes up, must come down?” We aren’t designed to stay in a heightened emotional state forever. Think back to your last ugly cry. Did you need a good long nap afterward? That’s because our bodies aren’t designed to carry that much intensity all the time.

Finally, find someone with whom you can safely let off this anger.

A close friend, a counselor or a therapist are good places to start. If your anger is related to adoption, find a therapist who understands adoption issues and can help you find ways to express it.  


I HEREBY RESOLVE…

So here it is, another new year. Welcome to 2019! 

For almost half of Americans, making a resolution for the new year is a part of the tradition of the holiday. These generally are self-improvement based…lose weight, add a fitness routine, improve personal finances, or stop smoking. 

Do these resolutions work? Do those Americans who make resolutions become thinner, fitter, and richer?

The statistics aren’t good.

One recent study suggests that a full 80% of resolutions fail by February. To combat this, the internet and other media are full of suggestions designed to help resolution makers be successful. 

One of those suggestions is to frame your resolution in positive terms. Rather than giving up something, add a little something to your life. One study suggests that people who are motivated to make a difference in the world tend to keep those resolutions as it leads to a sense of peace and happiness while contributing to society.

So here’s a new year challenge from ASC.

Resolve to make the world of adoption a better institution.

Like all resolutions, making the world of adoption a better place is much to broad of a goal. Psychologists also suggest taking small steps that are concrete and lead to an immediate sense of reward tend to keep propelling us forward.

What can you do to improve adoption?

Here are a few suggestions.

  1.  Resolve to listen to one perspective other than your own each month. For example, if you are an adoptive parent, listen to a podcast from a birth family or adoptee to better understand their experiences. 
  2. Resolve to provide assistance to an organization that advocates for members of the adoption triad. Assistance can be given in the form of your time, your finances or your positive recommendation and encouragement. 
  3. Resolve to speak up! Share your story. Comment on social media on the stories of others. 

Here’s to 2019! What do you resolve? 


My heart is full.

Today I watched the beginning of a miracle. Working in adoption is hard. It’s filled with joy, but it’s also filled with grief and brokenness. 

So much of the work done in adoption is done prior to the delivery of the baby.

It’s careful consideration on the part of the expectant mother. It’s looking at all the options and who is on her team. Who will be there to help with parenting, survival, emotional support?  

It’s equally careful consideration on the part of the adopting parents. Is adoption a calling? Is adoption a choice because of infertility? Do the adoptive parents-to-be understand that the child will always be a part of the birth parents, even if they do not see them often (or even at all)?  

And then there is placement.

One family says “good-bye” to a child they have only met, and another says “welcome home”. “Bittersweet” may be the word that best describes the emotions swirling around placement time, but it only begins to scratch the depths of the emotions involved.  

 Then time passes and life happens.

The child grows and matures, as do both sets of parents. From toddlerhood to adulthood, adoption remains with the both families, and is always a part of the child’s identity.  Emotions ebb and flow.  

As an adoption professional, I’ve been on the preparation end of the process for more years than I care to admit. As an adoptive parent, I’ve watched my girls navigate the ups and downs of childhood and adolescence, and then I’ve watched them become mothers. But I’ve seldom had the privilege to be a part of an adoption reunion. 

That is changing.

Today I watched two mothers come together after more than 20 years apart. The foundation is being laid for the child who is now an adult to meet the family that created her.  

Questions will be asked. Answers will be given.  

Maybe—just maybe—some of the broken pieces will be made whole.  

Wishing you all grace and peace — Diane